RULE # 1

Having recovered from a slightly unpleasant ending to my post-divorce rebound relationship, I was ready to get back out there and date.  I decided to take the plunge and try online dating.  On day one, I was absolutely amazed....it was like a SUPERMARKET of MEN.  I was thrilled and excited to start meeting some of them!  I received a number of winks and emails right away.......Omigosh!  I thought, this is awesome!  One of those first emails was from a guy in Boulder, CO, who said, "I like your profile and I think you will like mine.  Let me know if you want to meet after checking out my page." 

His pictures were great....blondish curly hair and an athletic body (check), river rafting (check), about 5'10".....plus it said he was a tree-hugging attorney in Boulder ( I am thinking, an environmentalist - check).  He wrote to me saying I should pick any restaurant for us to meet and he would buy me dinner. (Clearly, money is not a big issue for him...check).

I carefully picked a really cute outfit and with great anticipation arrived at the restaurant right on time.  As I looked around, I saw no one resembling my date, but then suddenly I saw someone waving at me from across the floor.  Who is that?  I wondered.  As I walked over, I realized that this was MY date: grey curly and slightly unkempt hair, skinny with a dowager's hump, thick glasses that gave him an uncanny resemblance to Woody Allen.  I said to myself, "are you effing kidding me????"  Once I got over the shock and plastered a smile on my face, we began to converse.  But honestly, I have no idea what we talked about because the recording in my head just kept saying, "Where the hell is my date??,  Where the hell is my date??)  Because, not only was he at least 10 years older than his photos, he was rigid, caustic and had a dry personality.

I was able to chat and then choke down my dinner in 40 minutes, although the eating part was probably only about 120 seconds.  I could hardly wait to get out of there.  Just as I was pleasantly thanking him for a nice time, he said, "I'd like to spend a little more time with you.  How about we go downtown and listen to some music now?"......Ummmm, I said, "Sorry I have to go home and walk my dogs."He said, "oh no problem, I can come and walk them with you"  Ummmm, I said, "Gee, I don't know about that".  He said, "Yes you're right, we probably shouldn't rush things"  Relieved, I said, "uh huh."  Just then the waiter came over and asked if I wanted to take home my leftover (overcooked) 2" piece of salmon.  Graciously, I said, "no thank you" - Suddenly, my date barked from across the table "THAT IS A PERFECTLY GOOD PIECE OF FISH!!"  I looked at the waiter and said, "okay, I'll take that home" ( and feed it to the trash can across the street).

NOTE TO SELF: Rule #1.  Never agree to dinner on a first date  A quick escape is so much easier with a cup of coffee.