ASK IF HE HAS A FREEZER

You know how all your women friends want to advise you on most any subject?  Mention Internet dating and they go berserk.  Did you hear about this preteen  or that teen who had a bad experience?  Mostly, they are talking about the innocent.... ...the young kids who don't have a clue.  This is a sad and lamentable situation, but I am 77 years old, and hopefully, I do have a clue.

So, I was talking to my old friend, Dot.  We have been friends since grammar school and grew up in the same neighborhood.  In high school, I dated her  husband before she did.  Nice guy! She won! Anyway, I was telling her about a guy who lives in my town, who I am not interested in, because he hasn't posted a photo or written anything about himself.  (I say, he probably can't read.)  He keeps sending me messages like "Write me a line", "Tell me about yourself", which of course, I ignore.  Dot got all huffy, breathing heavily through her nose and said, "Well, answer him"!!  "Send him a message,  just say "Why?"

She goes on further, digging deep from within the deep recesses of her mind.  "Did you hear about the guy who was arrested when the defrosted body of his ex-girlfriend was found in a broken freezer?  I replied, "No".  Dot was really getting pissed at my ignorance,  "Well, if you insist on going out with a guy named Wingnut, ask him if he has a freezer, but not until after he pays for your lunch".

THE PERILS OF INTERNET DATING:# 1

GLOVES AND A HAMMOCK!

RULE # 1

Having recovered from a slightly unpleasant ending to my post-divorce rebound relationship, I was ready to get back out there and date.  I decided to take the plunge and try online dating.  On day one, I was absolutely amazed....it was like a SUPERMARKET of MEN.  I was thrilled and excited to start meeting some of them!  I received a number of winks and emails right away.......Omigosh!  I thought, this is awesome!  One of those first emails was from a guy in Boulder, CO, who said, "I like your profile and I think you will like mine.  Let me know if you want to meet after checking out my page." 

His pictures were great....blondish curly hair and an athletic body (check), river rafting (check), about 5'10".....plus it said he was a tree-hugging attorney in Boulder ( I am thinking, an environmentalist - check).  He wrote to me saying I should pick any restaurant for us to meet and he would buy me dinner. (Clearly, money is not a big issue for him...check).

I carefully picked a really cute outfit and with great anticipation arrived at the restaurant right on time.  As I looked around, I saw no one resembling my date, but then suddenly I saw someone waving at me from across the floor.  Who is that?  I wondered.  As I walked over, I realized that this was MY date: grey curly and slightly unkempt hair, skinny with a dowager's hump, thick glasses that gave him an uncanny resemblance to Woody Allen.  I said to myself, "are you effing kidding me????"  Once I got over the shock and plastered a smile on my face, we began to converse.  But honestly, I have no idea what we talked about because the recording in my head just kept saying, "Where the hell is my date??,  Where the hell is my date??)  Because, not only was he at least 10 years older than his photos, he was rigid, caustic and had a dry personality.

I was able to chat and then choke down my dinner in 40 minutes, although the eating part was probably only about 120 seconds.  I could hardly wait to get out of there.  Just as I was pleasantly thanking him for a nice time, he said, "I'd like to spend a little more time with you.  How about we go downtown and listen to some music now?"......Ummmm, I said, "Sorry I have to go home and walk my dogs."He said, "oh no problem, I can come and walk them with you"  Ummmm, I said, "Gee, I don't know about that".  He said, "Yes you're right, we probably shouldn't rush things"  Relieved, I said, "uh huh."  Just then the waiter came over and asked if I wanted to take home my leftover (overcooked) 2" piece of salmon.  Graciously, I said, "no thank you" - Suddenly, my date barked from across the table "THAT IS A PERFECTLY GOOD PIECE OF FISH!!"  I looked at the waiter and said, "okay, I'll take that home" ( and feed it to the trash can across the street).

NOTE TO SELF: Rule #1.  Never agree to dinner on a first date  A quick escape is so much easier with a cup of coffee.

A SISTER'S ENCOURAGEMENT

Dear Tweedy,

That was funnier than the dickens.  At least he didn't wear that god-awful blue and orange shirt and the old hat he had on in his picture.  Maybe you should have hijacked him and taken the jewels and alarm clock to a jeweler for appraisal and sent him to a shrink for analysis.

All is not lost, my dear.  Just when you feel that you will be alone the rest of you life with; BANG! BADABOOM ! Mr Right will quietly slip into your life and befriend you and just want you to keep him company and show him around in Paris...Italy...Ireland... museums, opera, concerts, visits to Colorado to enjoy your children and his son who coincidentally lives near you middle daughter.  His other son is crazy about horses and lives in Maryland.  The boys will fall in love with your girls and you and he will attend their weddings and be very pleased that your youngest daughter's spouse owns one of the largest horse breeding farms in Maryland.

You and Mr. R. will probably not marry, but be the best of friends, totally enjoying each other and perhaps an occasional boinking.  Ah yes, and then the two of you will ride off into the sunset together in your brand new shiny maroon Lexus.  ( You, of course, will be the driver.)

With love from you caring Sistah

TWEEDY'S STORY

This is the story of an old lady called Tweedy Connor Conservative. Tweedy was raised by New England parents with austere values.  I must say there were times in her life the said Tweedy did not respect certain conventional ideas of her parents.  She did look at Denny's peeper when she was about ten years old, but ran away while he was zipping his pants and didn't have to show hers.  As a teenager, there were some drinking incidents which she worried might get back to her parents....expecially the one where she left Joanne's slumber party, got in the car with six other kids, drove to the reservation and shared the half pint of Sloe Gin.  Tweedy reported to all her friends how drunk they were, but no one noticed.

Tweedy had two fabulous husbands who were even more conservative than she is.  The first called David, a charming, traditional, button-down Ivy Leaguer who was definitely not opposed to being liberal when it came to sex and drinking.  However, in college and his working career he managed to impress the throngs with his custom make suits from Brooks Brothers.  Husband number two, also a charming Ivy Leaguer, (notice the word" traditional" is missing) really didn't care if his working clothes came from Sears or Goodwill, but his hunting and fishing clothes needed to come from no less conservative establishments as Orvis and Britain's Barbour.

That would be Tweedy's background....fast forward to 2011, technology, and her kids.  Yikes!!  Tweedy had a date today....Match.com.....Match suggested an old and traditional restaurant in Freeport....one of Tweedy's favorites.  She was impressed that he had picked up on that in their email correspondence.

Tweedy was wearing a mundane taupe outfit chosen by sister Sue and jewels also selected by Sue .  "Ahh, le turquoise, it shows off your eyes."   Just enough jewels so he didn't think she was rich or try to get her on her way home.  Holding her stomach in and standing tall, she entered the lobby where a man rose to his feet and said, "Hello, I have brought you some candy".  Sweet, but Tweedy was staring in astonishment at this Match Adonis.  Actually, she told me privately she said,"Oh Shit" to herself.  Standing before everyone in the lobby was a 75 year old man, surely of old Boston Irish extraction, wearing jeans and a double breasted tan sport coat with the cuffs of his shirt rolled over the sleeves of the jacket  Since the sleeves were pushed up it was easy to see two bracelets on one arm.  Looked like bicycle chains to Tweedy.  Each hand was decorated with rings...rubies and diamonds.  On the other wrist was a very doodad watch, the size of a small alarm clock. Well, one didn't have to wear glasses to see what time is was across the table....which Tweedy did all through lunch.

Seated at a table in front of the fire, the first thing Match did was comb his hair, then he asked what Tweedy would like to drink. "Ah, ice water and lemon, please". " Und Sir, what for you"?  "I'll have a Manhatten, straight up with two cherries"....... Again, Tweedy said to herself "Oh shit".  The meal was served...a wrap for Madam and the Haddock dinner for Monsieur.  As Tweedy was wolfing down her wrap, Match was regaling her with his philosophies which were at least one eights of an inch deep and at the same  time commenting on his lunch/dinner which was a "good deal for the price," "a lot of  food" and his slow pace as an eater.

Half a wrap down and Match ordered his second Manhattan explaining there was too much food.  Tweedy, her usual polite self, did not say, "try swallowing some, most of it is on your  face...whoops, cold slaw on your cheek.  Why are you laughing?  You can't even see how you look...dribbling food from your mouth."  As he finished the second Manhattan, Match was in a land of his own wondering why women blew him off.  Tweedy had a "dentist appointment and had to leave.  Whe she got home she called her kids and friends and begged them not to encourage her participation in dating programs.  The fee is $60.00, she only had a $10.00 wrap and thinks if Match had not had so much to drink, he probably would have remembered to fart.

COFFEE WITH A STRANGER

OMG, 76 years old!  I'm going on a date!  "Mom, don't panic, you aren't getting married, you are just having coffee with a stranger."   Haha, very funny, remembering what my parents said about strangers.

Arriving at the large, well-lit and many peopled cafe I had suggested,  I didn't see anyone resembling the profile picture  posted on the dating site. ( What's new? )  Oops, wait a minute! Here comes a nice smile from a good looking, well dressed man.  Yikes, it's my date and he is an artist.  As I was thinking this isn't so bad, this well spoken gent from a privileged family was working his way down hill.  

We were conversing about art, Edward Hopper's late exhibit, mutual art friends and out of the blue he said, "I hope you aren't one of those people who love huge family get togethers."  Sorry, Smiley, I have the largest extended family in America and I love it when we are all together!

Tweedy, that's me, did you read his profile?  No kids, red flag.  Oh,oh his profile answer to "do you drink" read, NEVER! Red flag.  Sure enough, Smiley's baggage included two divorces, loss of his job and no drinks for thirty years.....the latter, of course, being a plus.

Okay, I didn't flinch.  When asked, I said I was spiritual, liked to go to church, but didn't go regularly and that I had been raised Episcopalian.  He said about the same and that he had also been brought up Episcopalian. After a few awkward moments of silence and rolling his eyes, Smiley started to chuckle and running his hands over his face exclaimed, "Thank Heavens you aren't Catholic!"

My daughter was right!!! I am not getting married.

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

"Mom, you could meet a really nice man who you could do things with.....go out to lunch, have coffee, movies, dinner and take drives".

This advice comes from my two oldest daughters, both in their 50's, who after a thousand winks and dating ginks finally were somewhat successful.  Well, actually one of them was married to Mr. Match after a year's courtship and I have to admit he is a really super guy and the other daughter still goes dancing with Eli Harmony.

What the hell would I do on a dating site?  Men my age want a nurse with a purse and God knows I don't qualify as a nurse (yuck) and I am not about the share my purse with a stranger!!

OKAY, so I tried it.  $60.00 up front for 90 days.  Out of 123 guys on the website, most with names like "Bigdumbdummy" and "Dinglebob". there was one 74 year old knight in shinning armor.....a rep tie, a tweedy sport coat, a college degree, nice furniture in the background and he is holding a birthday cake.  How sweet!  A family man?  A baker?  Hmmmmm, his profile said he is looking for a woman age 45 -65.  So what? I am over 65.  Should I?  Should I what?  Send a wink.  Are you nuts?  I'm here all by myself, no one will know!  CLICK. I did it.  I winked.

Next morning, my ego soaring in anticipation of hearing from "the wink" and receiving at least several "winks and emails" from other guys with funny names, I rushed to the computer............NADA!

If you amortize the $60.00 over 90 days, that was a waste of $1.10.